Sunday, June 07, 2009

Then and Now

I've always been a really ambitious person. I had lots of things I want to achieve, lots of things I want to do. I didn't want to leave high school with regret. I wanted to leave a legacy.

Things now are just so different than before.

I was form 2 when I started everything. I organized my first camp with my Kalyana Mitras, I joined the Green Club, I learnt to speak up and think more considerately, my first cosplay was in 2007 too. I started joining activities and became active in them. I was spending all my Sundays at the temple. Even in class, all of us were so close that school was really enjoyable. I was really happy. 2007 held lots of great memories and many sweet beginnings.

Then came 2008. My commitments grew larger. I got involved in more activities. It came to the point where people actually start asking me to stop being so active. Sometimes there's just so much things to do it becomes a burden. But I'm still the happiest when all goes well.

This year's just weird. And agonizing. First I was in 4 Bakti, away from most of my closer friends. Then there was all the favouritism between the teachers that just makes me mad. I'm not a public speaker in Gavel Club without due cause. Yet, it just takes them forever to realize that I exist. 4 years already, and I'm still invisible to them. I've put in so much into everything I did. Yet, those who I hoped would notice never did.

Anthea asked me not to blog about it, but it's shouting at me. My Facebook status on 28 May says:

Suzanne Yin is darn pissed off, disappointed and unappreciated.

I know that we shouldn't do things for the fame or name. But sometimes, it's comforting to know that people appreciate the hard work you're giving, and hope that they would acknowledge you. I've been committed to this since 14 January 2007. I wanted to give my all, and I had a vision I was probably the only person in the whole school who wanted my name to be on that brown plaque sitting on the wall near the office area. I wanted it so badly. And honestly, it's just mind boggling that they just have to crush the most enthusiastic person and elect someone less enthusiastic just so they can make that person be more committed to their job. It has been the trend for years now. Is it necessary to do that to make a board? I don't have the charisma as my previous senior did to fight back. All I could do is just shut up and keep it in. Talking about it would make me sound so full of myself. Not talking about it eats me inside.

And on that Friday, Facebook says this:

Suzanne Yin had her 3 years dream crushed, and is confused whether to be sad, mad, or swallow it down like a (wo)man.

It's so hard to be selfish when it comes down to things like this. It's hard to say "I should've gotten this in return" when we're in it to give. I admit that I wanted to be recognize, but all in all I love being around these people, that's why I even bothered to give back. I truly care for them. But sometimes there are certain dreams I want to achieve. I let go another chance given to me just so I can put more time into this. But it seems like it didn't work. I really was a 3 year dream. I never wanted something so badly before, and thought that I really deserved it, and not get it. To make things worst, I didn't lose it to a stranger, or just another familiar face. I'm used to being second best, and I don't mind being second best to this person, but this is just too hard to swallow when you want it that badly. Sunday didn't make things any better. I'm left even more confused and messed up. I don't know what to think or do anymore.

Back then, there was less to fuss about, less to stress about. I wished things was more simpler now.

At least, I have a few things to keep me back on track, to remind me why I even got myself into all this mess. I took a flip through the pictures and videos of camp with my Kalyana Mitras. I guess some things are just worth it.

...I need to organize my thoughts. Again.

Quote of the Day: "I used to always cry and give up...I nearly went the wrong way...but showed me the right way...I was always chasing you...wanting to overtake you...I just wanted to walk with you...I wanted to be with changed me! Your smile saved me!" - Hinata Hyuuga, Naruto.

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