I figured not many people read my blog anymore anyway, so might as well write this as my blog makes a good personal journal for myself. I'm probably the biggest stalker of my own blog. I also do realize many of my emo posts are very vague in their meaning (I try not to expose too much info) and probably make no sense to anyone but me. But I need it - reading my past posts does help me think about how I've grown, and typing it down helps me tackle my current emotions.
You have been warned.)
Occasionally, I'd get to a very low point when I start attracting negative thoughts. I actually have two such post sitting in my drafts now as this low point has hit me recently. The thing is, like my drafts, I keep them all hidden, because I don't have the guts to share my problems, to find help. In the end, time would pass and I won't be able to speak about these struggles I had inside because the issue isn't applicable anymore, and so life goes on.
Reading my old blog posts, and from what I have been observing lately, I noticed that the source of my unhappiness were mostly the same: being taken for granted.
In work, when I give in everything I have - my passion, time, effort, blood, sweat, tears... There were always moments when I felt as if I wasn't given the credit I deserved. Is it wrong to feel this way? Is it right to to feel I've been treated unfairly? I do feel guilty for feeling that way (hence I don't speak about my dissatisfactions). I feel like by fighting for the credit or title would mean that I'm exposing that ugly monster in me. After all, I'm the one who committed myself, offering my service so I should see that everything gets through fine. And so by keeping silent and choosing the safe option of not sounding like a douche and for "the greater good", I beat myself down even more.
It's easy to rub elbows with me. I blend in easily as a friend, and I don't get mad easily as I hardly hold vindictive feelings towards people. But sometimes, when friends get a little too close, a little too comfortable, it becomes easy to tease you, to call you names and feel that it's okay, because they have taken your feelings for granted. I'm okay with harmless jokes, but after awhile, when people say untruthful things about you and others mimic, it does hurt sometimes. And sometimes, your friends might find it okay to poke fun at sensitive issues, because they know you can bear it. Worst still, some people would say hurtful things about you in third person. Of course, I try to shrug it off. I'm glad they think I'm friendly enough to be able to swallow some jokes, but do they realize that I am a girl? Some sensitive issues are things that I'm struggling with, are things that I've been constantly teased about already. I don't know why, but some people don't realize that their little actions and words make me feel as if I've been taken for granted, as if they don't see me as a girl. Is it wrong to be so sensitive? I do feel that sometimes I might be making a big fuss out of nothing, out of problems that only affect me (hence I don't share these thoughts). It probably isn't a big problem, but when it concerns my close friends, whether they've said things unintentionally or not, it still hurts.
It definitely doesn't help that I chose to shoulder all problems on my own, to be the hero in tight situations and even, emotions. I'm so used to carrying this burden alone, that I actually find it hard to unload it on other people. Lately, I think my silent cry for help was heard. It helped that recently, I've been able to hear other people's thoughts and their problems. To be reminded that I'm not the only one with their own personal struggles. It helped that I was able to start talking about it, little by little. So I realize that having these emotions aren't wrong, you just have to learn what's causing it, and how to deal with it. And sometimes, you just have to grow up, grow stronger, and you'll be able to grow out of these problems. I'm still learning how to stop being a hero, and although it's hard, I will do my best to face my inner struggles.
So remember! Learn to talk about your problems. Because if you don't share them, then you're taking your close friends for granted, because they care for you.
Quote of the Day: "Growing up is hard. You have to learn how to throw away that comfortable, smelly pillow that you depended on to sleep." - Suzanne Yin