LOADS have been happening that I don't have the time to blog about other stuff. But now I'm just gonna unload some stuff here... sorry bloggy!
Disclaimer: Emorant ahead. If what I'm writing makes zero sense to you, good! Because it's not supposed to make sense... lD
It's been a roller coaster ride this year. I've met a group of friends that I feel that I finally belong to. Despite our differences, their craziness, occasional indecencies... I feel like I'm at home with them. I make the extra effort to be with them, and this feeling was never as strong as it is now. For once, I don't get jealous seeing other friends being close with another group of their own friends. I don't feel like I'm missing too much. I don't feel left out, because I have my nakama's.
But the year is ending. People are leaving. To make things more painful, Jules will be leaving for the States soon. There's only 5 more days for us. I hope and pray that after all is said and done, TAS would still be together, no matter the distance. I'm so happy when I'm with them, I'd forget all my worries (occasionally, responsibilities too, unfortunately). I try my best not to remind me or the others of the days we have left. But whenever I stop laughing, and start thinking... of the end that's drawing closer, of things that weren't meant for me... when I start thinking, it hurts.
There are other emotions I've been facing, too. So much vented emotions, so much burden... It built up, and I think it just blew in my face. Maybe I've been too used keeping it all inside. On top of that, being prone to stalking tendencies and overthinking things, I'm sensitive to so many small gestures. Again, I only keep this inside. Someone nudged me to talk about it, and so I start thinking about it, I start feeling the pain, I start crying. I've been crying a lot this week that it's been tiring. Maybe before this, I'm just so lazy to think about it so I could save all the unnecessary pain, the unnecessary tears. I'm so tired that I wish I would just fall sick. So that I could just hide in my bed and sleep all day, and be too busy feeling sick to actually start thinking about the emotions.
They say that time would dilute the pain. They say that talking about it, letting it out, would make you feel better. If so, I want to yell till my throat burns, I want to cry till I'm all dry, I want to bite myself so the pain hides my thoughts, to forget about them. At this instance, everything is a blur, and there's no light. I want to blame myself for repeating my past mistakes, for repeating history, all the bitterness, the stupidity... You may say I'm foolish to think and feel this way, that I'm living an Anime. I probably am living an Anime, but the things that are happening are real, the emotions are real, too.
I'm fortunate that at this moment, I have shoulders to lean on. I have people who are cheering for me. They say that everything will be fine in the end. It may seem murky now, but things will fall into the right places after time. I know time will heal wounds, but it doesn't mean that the pain is any lighter, and the scars will stay. So I can't stop asking... "everything will be okay, right?"
Quote of the Day: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." - Annonymous