Thursday, March 13, 2014

I miss Me

Today was one of those days where I suddenly start reading up my old blogposts, and then get bombarded by these thoughts that I had to write a new post immediately. (in truth, I'm just procrastinating from studying for my final practical exams 8D)

To be more specific, I was looking around at my "From the Heart" tag. These were posts where I pour out my deep thoughts and sudden muses and agony and troubles into. As one of the post stated, my blog functions as a journal for me as well: A way to be remind myself of what has happened in the past, to chronicle these events, and to share it (whether in direct words or cryptic messages) with the public (but we all know this doesn't reach very far, haha, hence why I'm comfortable sharing this much).

Reading those posts from a younger me, I was amazed at the amount of things I've achieved, and the turmoils I had in my heart. Even the immaturity in some of my words and actions were significant to moulding me to what I am now. I was amazed by the way I had beautifully penned down my thoughts and feelings in words, something that had been lacking from me these two years.

These two years had been... lacking. Just like the inactivity from my blog, these two years were bland, compared to my rich high school and college days. I'm now envious of my past self, who was so busy with activities, so filled with passion and emotion. Somehow, my experiences these two years in university has been mostly limited to just studies and some amount of living skills (and fangirling over Korean boys and anime and what-nots). I had little obstacles to overcome (other than exam stress and PIDC Cup stress), and hardly any emotional anxieties. The co-curricular activities that I loved committing myself to was almost non-existent.

Thinking about it makes me really regretful and sad. Despite all the heartaches from stress from all the problems I encounter in the pass, they gave me emotional growth. Here, I have none. Everything has been so superficial. All I had were frustrations from the incompetency of the people here. I suddenly realized that I have been robbed of all these opportunities for growth. Even typing this, I feel numb. Has it really been two years? It seems unbelievable, when I compare it to the roller coaster ride of my one year in college.

My brother once challenged me with a question: What is life to you? What is it you want to achieve in life? Until you find the answer to that, you have not grown as a person at all.

I couldn't answer that. And I think in these two years, I think I have been taking steps backwards from my answer.

I was Tokoh Murid in high school, I got the Principal's Award in college, all for my participation in co-curricular activities. Even with my lacking attention towards my studies, I would still somehow make it with straight/almost straight A's. But now, studies makes up almost 80% of my life in India. I'm investing myself so much into my studies in dental college now, yet I'm barely making passes. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Dentistry, but I'm just really really missing my old life now...

I miss SJBA. I've been out of action for so long, I feel as if I don't belong any more.
I miss TAS. Back then, I'd involve myself in every little detail, but now I couldn't even care less about the juniors.
I miss all the other clubs and members I had invested myself into.
I miss being in love. Heartache, yeah, but those bittersweet stuff gave me experience.
I miss my friends.
I miss the old me.

Must I give all these up for my BDS degree? Would things have been better if I hadn't come to PIDC? Maybe it was a fair trade... Still, it doesn't make my current situation any better. All I can do now is just accept it and try to make the best out of things when I move on to Penang later.

5 more days till home.

Quote of the Day: "I was afraid because I couldn’t see the future. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was afraid of the me that didn’t know what he wanted to do. And the days just kept on flowing. But even with all these fears, if I keep on going like this, maybe someday even I can figure it out." - Takemoto Yuuta, Honey and Clover

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