Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Gone too Soon

Yesterday morning, 18 July 2016, I've lost a friend to cancer. Cancer is not something I'm unfamiliar with. But this is the first time a friend that I personally known for many years to have left us.

I was in the clinics when I found out. Someone had revived our April Arieses group on Facebook. Hiding away in the cubicle (from my lecturer), I scrolled up the chat in my phone and it had already began to seem grim. It was only until I reached the first message that read "RIP Kids", that it hit me. I was in shock, but I was in uni so I knew I couldn't afford to break down. I went to lunch with my girls, I was scrolling through Facebook, reading the other messages friends have left for Narukids and already had tears rimming my eyes. I closed my phone, deciding that it wasn't a good time now to be mourning. But the skies in Penang were already crying silently on our behalf.

After class, I headed home to read more messages and eulogies for her. It's painful, but it reminded me of a beautiful friend that I had the honour of meeting. Typical of Suzanne, I cried. The more I read, the more it ached. I couldn't do anything this evening, but think of you, of life, cry, and fall asleep.

I'm sure this is not how you'd like us to be. You'd want us to move on with our lives happily. But I'm not as strong as you are. Not yet. You who have been battling cancer since you were 15. Who kept this fact a secret from the vast majority of us. Even while you relapsed, most of us never knew. All these, while still keeping such a sunny disposition. I cannot think of anything but positive things about you. So did everyone else.

Death is the only certainty in live. I've known this for many years now, and have seen so many people come and go. When things like these happen, we always say, "Cherish your loved ones, you'll never know when they are gone," "Live your life to the fullest with no regrets, you'll never know when is your last day." We say these, but we'll still forget. I know I do. I'm guilty for taking things for granted.

I wish I could say that I "live my life to the fullest with no regrets". To put all commitment and my effort in everything I do. I wish I have the courage. To do what I want, when I want. To be with the people I want to be with. I wish I would leave an impact on people, that I would do kind things to the people around me. But I am so lacking, so flawed. What would I have done if I were in your situation? Would I have sulked and locked myself at home? Would I have been a burden?

There's so many thoughts running through me right now. All I can say, and know now, is that I will miss you dearly. I'm crying now, the sky is crying now, but I will be ok. And I will smile, and think of you fondly. Thank you for everything, Narukids.

Quote of the Day: "We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." - Annonymous

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